The Price of Feeling Seen

When we’re navigating the world of dating and relationships, we’re ultimately seeking connection—an opportunity to share our lives with someone in a way that feels meaningful. The reasons we connect with others are as unique as we are and often reflect where we are in our life journey.

You might connect with someone because of shared interests or hobbies, a mutual love of concerts or travel, or even a similar vocation that leads to a shared understanding of your lifestyle and career commitments. For some, it might be shared faith or a value system that aligns, fostering a sense of belonging and partnership. These commonalities serve as the foundation for many fulfilling relationships.

But sometimes, what we seek goes deeper than shared hobbies or surface-level compatibility. We yearn for a connection that transcends words—a connection with someone who truly “gets it.” This is particularly true for people with a history of trauma. In those cases, the desire for understanding goes beyond shared interests; it’s about finding safety and comfort, a haven where hurts and wounds are shared without fear of judgment.

The Deep Bond of Shared Pain

When two people with a history of trauma lock eyes, the connection can feel instantaneous, as though they’re resonating on a frequency others can’t perceive. Without needing to explain a thing, they both intuitively recognize the scars and coping mechanisms of the other. This level of understanding can create an intense and profound bond, one that feels incredibly validating and healing.

In the early stages, this kind of relationship feels magical. You find yourself sharing openly, peeling back layers of pain and vulnerability with someone who seems to truly understand. The bond feels different—deeper—because it stems from shared histories of struggle and survival. It’s a relationship built not on appearances or circumstances but on the sense of being seen and known in a way you may never have experienced before.

There’s relief in not having to explain your triggers or apologize for behaviors shaped by your past. No more backstory is needed. Your partner knows the weight of your unspoken pain and speaks your emotional language fluently. This shared vulnerability fosters an intimacy that can feel uniquely affirming.

When Shared Trauma Becomes a Double-Edged Sword

However, what starts as a beautiful connection can take a darker turn when both partners have unresolved trauma. While the shared pain may initially bring you together, it can also create patterns that amplify conflict and dysfunction.

Emotional Dysregulation and Triggers: One common symptom of trauma is emotional dysregulation, which refers to difficulty managing emotional responses to stress. People who have survived deeply traumatic experiences often have a heightened sensitivity to triggers, making it hard to regulate their emotions. And in a relationship in which both partners have unresolved trauma, emotional dysregulation can lead to recurring cycles of conflict.

Let’s say your partner’s coping mechanism during heightened emotional distress is to withdraw and isolate. In the beginning of the relationship, you may be understanding and give them the space they need, because you “get it.” But over time, their withdrawal may start to trigger your own fear of abandonment—a wound that hasn't yet healed. What initially felt like compassion turns into frustration and anger, and conflict escalates as you accuse your partner of abandoning you and not being considerate of your own trauma.

Enmeshment: A shared history of trauma can also lead to unhealthy emotional enmeshment or what many experience as codependency. Without realizing it, you may begin to rely on each other to manage feelings you haven’t learned to handle independently.

Imagine that you experienced neglect in childhood, leaving your emotional needs unmet. As an adult, when you have a terrible day at work, you turn to your partner to validate and soothe your fears. Your partner, whose own trauma history has led to a pattern of conflict avoidance and people-pleasing, drops everything to calm you down, even at the expense of their own needs.

This dynamic creates a cycle: You become increasingly dependent on your partner for emotional regulation, while their sense of self-worth becomes tied to your approval. Instead of addressing your individual traumas, you use each other as emotional crutches. Over time, this prevents you both from healing and growing as individuals.

Why It’s Hard to Walk Away

When a relationship deepens, walking away can feel nearly impossible, even when the dynamic becomes unhealthy and toxic. You may feel an overwhelming sense of empathy for your partner’s struggles, worrying they won’t be okay without you, especially if you know that they grapple with abandonment issues. A savior complex might convince you that your love can fix them, and that you have the power to save them from their pain.

On a deeper, subconscious level, you might stay because you’re seeking validation—hoping that their willingness to change will prove you’re worthy, good enough, or deserving of love. There’s also the fear that no one else will ever understand you the way they do, leaving you feeling isolated in your struggles. Perhaps most insidiously, the dynamic itself may feel strangely familiar and comforting, mirroring the environment you experienced growing up. Even if it’s unhealthy, it feels like home, making it all the harder to let go.

Staying Together: The Challenges and Requirements

While you share a bond rooted in shared experiences, it’s important to remember that true healing is an individual journey. Both of you must grapple with the reality that neither of you can "fix" the other; healing requires personal accountability and effort. However, when both individuals commit to self-healing while staying connected, there is profound potential not just for growth within a relationship but also for breaking cycles of pain and hurt for future generations. This shared journey can be a spiritual experience—a process of transformation that offers the possibility of ending patterns of trauma and creating a legacy of resilience, understanding, and love.

Healing while you are in a relationship will not be possible unless you set and maintain healthy boundaries that allow each of you the space to process and grow while still being supportive to one another. Open communication is equally important: You need to embrace honest conversations about your needs, limitations, and struggles, even and especially when the discussions trigger distressing emotions within the both of you. Without this discomfort, you may not know which parts of you actually need healing.

Choosing to heal independently and remain together is not for the faint of heart. By making this choice, you are honoring the journey of the soul and trusting that meaningful change unfolds in its own time, often beyond what you can immediately see or understand. But if you can walk this path, the rewards will extend far beyond the relationship. They will ripple outward, planting seeds of hope, healing, and connection for generations.

Read more of my blog on: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-parallels