Mother-Daughter Dynamics
My older brother proposed to his high school sweetheart at 23 years old. Shortly before the wedding, my closest friend asked my traditional Mexican mom how she felt about the upcoming wedding. My mom said something that surprised us both. “You know,” she said, “I really think they should’ve lived together first.” I was stunned. This was the same woman who’d drilled it into my head that living in sin would guarantee me a place in hell.
Unprompted, she continued. “You learn so much about a person when you live with them. That first night with your father, I was so nervous. But he was gentle, and-“ “Mom!” I yelled. “I don’t want to hear about your first night with dad! That’s gross!” She shrugged. “Anyway,” she said, “the next morning, I walked into the bathroom, and do you know what I found?” We shook our heads. “His teeth in a glass! All that time we were dating I had no idea he had dentures.” She sighed, shaking her head from side to side. “I was so disillusioned.”
This would be the first of many instances in which she revealed a piece of herself that shocked me, and as years passed, she would continue to reveal bits of herself that helped me better see her as a whole human and not just the frustrated mom who often chased me and my brother with one of her sandals.
The evolution of our relationship brought with it a healthy dose of bewilderment, because her honest views, thoughts and beliefs on a variety of issues were at odds with what I’d been taught as a child and adolescent, leaving me to scratch my head on many an occasion. Her true feelings on having children: It’s okay to not have them. Her thoughts on marriage: Try living together first. Her views on money: Never depend on a man.
The transition into a new relationship was relatively smooth, despite the torrent of emotions I experienced: anger, relief, sadness, confusion, compassion. I came to understand that she had done her best, and thus our relationship was able to move along.
The relative ease with which we slipped into a sense of camaraderie and trust was unique to our circumstances, as with any mother/daughter relationship. A relationship may change over time, in ways that couldn’t have planned or foreseen, or it may change overnight because of a traumatic life event.
Regardless of the reasons or the pace at which it changes, it’s possible you will feel many conflicting emotions as the mom you thought you knew reveals herself, her behavior throwing you for a loop.
What’s behind the shift
As we grow older, all of us experience significant changes in how we relate to other, and our mothers are no different. As they age, they too experience changes in how they see the world and themselves, which may lead to changes in how they treat you.
Understanding the 'why' behind these shifts can be crucial. Whether the changes are influenced by their personal reflections, the unavoidable reality of aging, or a simple desire to deepen the bond between you, recognizing what’s behind the shifts can help you navigate your relationship.
Empty Nest Syndrome: With less daily hustle and her role as a caregiver winding down, she might feel a desperate need to fill the void. Being a mom may have defined her entire identity, and facing a quiet house can be terrifying as she grapples with who she is beyond that role.
More Space for Reflection: An empty nest paves the way for more self-reflection. This can be uncomfortable as she thinks back on her younger days and any pain her choices might have caused, and that includes choices she made when raising you. She might remember her short temper, her irritability, how she wasn’t always present for you because she was preoccupied with other stressors. Old memories may surface, forcing her to grapple with all the ways she may have caused damage. This may spark a drive to mend your relationship, knowing that time to make things right might be running out.
Realizing Mortality: Recognizing their own mortality can motivate a mom to strengthen a bond with their children, aiming to create lasting memories and a meaningful legacy. As they age, they might seek closer emotional connections, particularly if they begin to rely more on their adult children for support.
The Barriers to a Deeper Bond
Understanding your mom’s desire to be closer is one thing, but grappling with your own emotions is another—and it's crucial before you can move forward. Here's how complex feelings can become barriers to deepening your bond:
Her recent attempts to spend more time with you can stir up anger and resentment. Memories of childhood neglect, abandonment, or abuse may make you hesitant to let her in. You might feel it's too late for amends or resent her for expecting care now when you felt uncared for in the past, and her attempts at a friendship might feel premature or like a dismissal of past wrongs.
As she opens up about her own challenges and past mistakes—perhaps revealing she was abused, felt isolated as a young mother, or struggled with her responsibilities—you might find yourself grieving. It's painful to recognize the supportive relationship you could have had if circumstances were different, leading to sadness for both your past anger/resentment and the lost potential.
Discussions about her relationships or past can throw your own familial ties into question, possibly placing you in the middle of unresolved family dynamics. This not only creates turmoil but can also be emotionally draining as you try to repair a problem that you didn’t create in the first place.
Guilt is often the most pervasive barrier. You may feel guilty for wanting to live your own life or for not being able to meet her new emotional and mental health needs, especially when you’re still processing your own childhood experiences. This guilt can lead to chronic anxiety and depression, making it difficult to open up space for her in your life.
As your mom reflects more on her life and opens up to you, conversations can become emotionally competitive or overly intimate, making you uncomfortable and blurring family boundaries. Hearing her contradict the values she once taught you can be disorienting and spiritually confusing.
Conclusion
The evolution of your relationship with your mom will unfold in a way that's unique to both of you, and it’s important to let go of any expectations that it will be smooth or without its thorny moments. Emotions will inevitably surface, and setting clear boundaries is crucial, even if it sometimes leads to feelings of guilt. Paying close attention to your own emotional experience is essential; neglecting it can lead to further conflict and hurt for the both of you. Lastly, don’t do this alone. Talking to a therapist or a trusted friend can help you process what you’re feeling and help you work through some of the more complicated layers.
