When Your Adult Child Blames You For Their Mental Health
You worked hard to provide a great life for your child, and although you were by no means the “perfect” parent, you did the best you could with what you had at the time. You gave them unconditional love, and you consistently offered them encouragement and support.
In your eyes, you were a much better parent than what you experienced during your own upbringing, and you’re proud that you intentionally chose to be different than your own parents.
But now your adult child resents you, and they hold you responsible for their mental health struggles. Their ongoing challenges with anxiety and depression are your fault, and they constantly hurl all kinds of accusations, overlooking the many sacrifices you made for them. Their words devastate you.
You try to talk things through, making every effort to listen, but your own anger and confusion get in the way, and conversations never end in peaceful resolution. You can’t wrap your head around their perspective of their childhood because it’s not how you remember it. Their perspective seems terribly unfair, wildly inaccurate, and maybe even a little bit ridiculous.
It feels wrong to apologize for something you know you didn’t do intentionally, causing them to retreat further into their anger and frustration.
As a parent who loves their child, navigating these relational challenges can be an emotionally fraught experience. Blindsided by accusations and resentment, you may be grappling with feelings of guilt, confusion, and a sense of responsibility.
Having never expected to hear that your parenting style caused suffering, you may also be feeling overwhelmed by a mixture of empathy and helplessness as you attempt to reconcile your good intentions with the unintended impact on your child's mental and emotional well-being.
This difficult situation can leave you feeling powerless, and although you can’t change your adult child’s perspective nor force them to let go of their resentment and/or anger, you are not without options.
Moving Forward
Addressing a situation where your adult child blames you for their current mental health issues requires sensitivity and open communication. Here are some suggestions that you can consider, and keep in mind that these steps do not always have to be taken in linear fashion:
Listen empathically, not defensively:
We might think we’re listening, when in fact we’re waiting for a chance to tell our side of the story, to counter with our perspective, to show them that they are wrong. This is a common defense mechanism that rarely leads to a peaceful resolution.
When you use empathic listening, you’re listening for how they feel as opposed to what they think or believe. This requires that you move past their accusations and focus on the emotions from which they stem. If the only emotion they seem to express is anger, keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion driven by fear and/or hurt.
Validate their feelings, not their perspective.
Acknowledging and validating what they feel vs. what they think doesn’t mean you agree with their perspective; it means you’re relating to them on an emotional level, and this may help to begin repairing the relationship. Using statements such as, “I can sense that you’re very upset, and that you’re feeling hurt” signals that you’re meeting them where they are, rather than trying to invalidate their feelings.
Reflect.
As a child, my mom would regularly tell ‘white’ lies about the most trivial of things. “What will people think?” was something I heard often, which was her way of justifying the lies. I was too young to understand that this behavior stemmed from her own insecurities, from a deep fear of being perceived in a negative light by others.
My mom wasn’t doing anything to me, yet what she modeled had a negative impact all the same. For most of my young adult life, I believed that perceptions had power, regardless of their distance from the truth, and I feared them too. This led to chronic self-doubt and negative self-talk that eventually took a toll on my mental health.
In this kind of relational conflict, self-reflection as a parent is a crucial, and often difficult step, because it requires that you consider not only what you provided but also whatever you modeled for your child. It is then equally important to explore and understand the origins of your own behavior because it may enhance your ability to listen and discern its impact on your child.
This is not about you taking the blame, nor does it imply that your child “won”. If you go into this with that kind of mindset, you’ll never get anywhere near a peaceful resolution.
Focus on connecting with the emotions you experienced as a child, as it will give you an opportunity to meaningfully connect with your own. If you felt hurt and angry at your own parent, recognize that there’s common ground between you and your child, and that your emotions can bring you together rather than drive you apart.
During this process, courage and grace are essential because they will help you confront uncomfortable truths and navigate this step with resilience and compassion.
Apologize.
The most powerful apology comes from a place of truth, and if you’ve reflected and identified ways in which your actions and choices may have inadvertently impacted your child, regardless of your intention, an apology based on what you’ve discovered about yourself may be the most liberating thing for the both of you.
Share vs. Compare
Once there’s a genuine apology, it may be easier to share with them your own experiences and what you felt, but not in a way that implies competition, e.g. “My life was harder than yours”, but rather with a heartfelt desire for deeper connection. Preface your conversation by clarifying that what you’re sharing is not meant to justify, but rather to explain and hopefully explore together.
Patterns of relational dysfunction within family systems can be handed down from one generation to the next, and if you both can identify unhealthy patterns and beliefs, together you can decide to change things for future generations.
Give them space.
A relationship is between two people, which means it cannot be repaired by one person alone.
If you’ve apologized from a place of truth, and they continue to be angry and resentful, know that you have done your part and that there’s little else you can do. Apologizing over and over may be a waste of energy; you cannot obligate them to forgive you. No matter how much you try, you cannot speed up their mental, emotional and spiritual evolution.
Also, if you find yourself constantly trying to determine how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking, causing you to ruminate for hours on end, consciously remove yourself from their internal world and return to your own. It is impossible that you will ever know with certainty how they feel, or what they think, but you will always know what is true for you.
Conclusion
Remember, every relationship between a parent and a child is wholly unique, and these suggestions may need to be adapted to suit your specific circumstances. If possible, seek professional guidance from a therapist or a counselor, as it can help you navigate this complex dynamic and help you to better understand yourself.
