How to Avoid a Rip Current Relationship
The beach has always been one of my favorite places, for a variety of reasons. After a harsh winter in Boston, I flew down to Miami to visit my family, and I snuck out early one morning and headed to the beach. As I drove east, I could practically feel the water on my dry, cracked skin. A beach day has always been more than a chance to lay in the sun; my only goal is to swim for as long as my body will allow.
Which is why I felt my heart sink the minute I stepped onto the beach, my eyes landing not on the water but on the most annoying, frustrating thing one could ever see when said heart is looking forward to swimming.
A red flag.
Planted firmly in a spot not far from the lifeguard stand, it seemed to mock me. Go ahead, it seemed to say, I dare you to get in the water. It swayed this way and that in the wind, my eyes taking in the scene as I contemplated what to do. It was early morning, a few people walking along the beach enjoying the sunrise my only company. The lifeguard stand was closed, and I had an optimistic thought: Maybe they forgot to remove the flag yesterday when they closed up.
I wanted to swim so badly it made my heart ache, and rather than accept that it wasn’t safe, I actually stood there and considered getting into the water. It had been over a year-and-a-half since I’d been to the beach, and I needed badly to feel the water on my skin. Dipping my feet into shallow water wouldn’t be enough.
I’m a strong swimmer, I thought. Maybe I can swim around the rip current, or maybe it’s not even there. I placed my towel on the sand, took off my shoes and shorts and donned a pair of swim goggles. I took a few steps toward the water, which was deceptively calm and inviting, and right before I jumped in, a memory of getting caught in a rip current a few years back gave me pause.
I’d seen the red flags that day and had believed I wouldn’t get stuck in the rip current, but too soon I’d found myself struggling to get back to shore and growing tired. The rip current was pulling me further out to sea, which induced panic as I shouted for help. Had a good Samaritan not jumped in to save me, I am fairly certain I would have drowned. The experience had frightened me something awful, and I’d driven away from the beach that day thinking, I will never again ignore a red flag.
But here I was, standing on the beach and wondering if I should take a chance. This time is different, I thought, I’ve been swimming in a pool over the past year and I’ve gotten much stronger. Plus I think I know how to get out of a rip current. I jumped into the water, and completely ignored the red flag and the danger it represented.
And so it goes with relationships.
Connecting with someone new and feeling that initial spark can be very powerful, especially when you haven’t been in a relationship for a while and you’re yearning to connect with another human being. This initial spark can very well blind you to the red flags blowing right in front of your eyes, and rather than pause and contemplate whether you should move forward, you dive right in. It’s only when you’re trying to swim back to shore that you see the red flags more clearly and see that there was more than one. But by then it’s too late; you are in a rip-current relationship.
A rip-current relationship is much like the phenomenon you encounter in the ocean: Everything looks calm and inviting, deceiving you into thinking that this relationship will be different. No doubt it feels refreshing and wonderful at first, but sooner or later you notice that you’re growing tired and weary, and that no matter what you do, nothing seems to change.
A rip-current relationship will pull you away from the shore that is your support network, like friends and family members. You may not be pulled under by the rip current, but the exhaustion of your efforts to get back to shore may make you feel like you’re "drowning" in the toxic waters of the relationship, leading to despair.
A red flag in a new relationship can be tied to any number of things, and these things are relative to what matters most to you, and what you’ve encountered in your past relationships.
Maybe it’s noticing that your new partner has a short temper and has snapped at you several times for minor things. Maybe you notice that they question your whereabouts on a daily basis, and you’ve caught them looking through your cell phone. Talking to them about how you feel and then having your feelings dismissed or invalidated might be another potential red flag.
The challenge with red flags is that sometimes we make excuses for them, much like I did when I thought that maybe the lifeguards had forgotten to take down the red flag the day before: Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they didn’t mean it. Maybe they’ll change. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I should change.
Or maybe you’re choosing to ignore the red flags because you connected so well with the person in the beginning, and you want to be in a relationship, which is not a crime. It is normal to want a deep emotional connection with another human being.
A great way to identify the red flags you should never ignore is to define the top three values on which you’d like to base a relationship. This is important, because friends or family might highlight something that is troublesome for them but may not be a problem for you.
For example, let’s say that one of your values is trust, but your new partner constantly looks through your cell phone. This may be a red flag, and an important one to heed, because trust issues can definitely pull you away from safety. Maybe you value compassion, and one night on your way home, your partner sees a homeless person on the side of the road and makes disparaging comments. Red flag or not? Perhaps what you most value is honesty, but you’ve noticed that your partner has a tendency to lie, even about the tiniest of things. Might this be a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore?
You are the only person who knows best what matters most to you, and if you take the time to define your top values, you may be less likely to dive right into dangerous waters. But in the event that you do, always make sure there’s someone standing on the shore, ready to jump in and help you get out of the dangerous rip current.
